I'd like to tell you about one of the most important days in my life. A day that, no matter how long I had believed that there was a God, I knew, that day, there was no doubt. My faith was rejuvenated in a faithful loving God. In order to get the whole picture of that very special day, I have to back up a little and share the bigger picture.
All of my life - and when I say all, I mean all - I had prayed for 10 children. I knew that as soon as I graduated from highschool that I would get married and we (supposing that God would have the "we" lined up and ready to go) would begin our adventure of popping out those ten precious babies that I had prayed for. I just knew I had a great plan for my life, but God seemed to think He had a better one. First of all, I graduated and there was no "we". I had to wait 5 more years before the Lord unfolded His perfect plan for the mate He had in store for me. Then, little did I know that for the next five and a half years after getting married, that I would deal with the devastation of infertility. This couldn't be happening to me! I mean, what did I do to deserve this? All I wanted my whole life was to be a mother to as many babies as the Lord would allow me to have and I couldn't even have one! I kept screaming at God that it was his first command to "be fruitful and multiply" and I was just trying to obey, but He wouldn't let me! I was living for God, giving my life away in serving Him, and He couldn't even answer the one prayer that I had begged and pleaded for my entire life?
It's hard to describe to someone who has never experienced infertility, but to see a negative sign on a pregnancy test every month for over five years (Yea, I should've bought stock in them.) and to have all your friends having their 2nd, 3rd and 4th child...It's gut wrenching! I spent many a nights curled up in fetal position on the floor crying out to God and questioning if He even knew I existed.
God finally began opening our eyes to think that maybe He had a different plan in mind and He placed a poem on my heart one night that opened my eyes. I'd like to share it with you:
Could It Be?
So long now I have prayed for a precious little one;
To feel Your gift within my womb, and know their life’s begun.
To get the nursery ready, filling it with baby things galore
And of course there’s anticipation of something so much more…
That wonderful, special day, oh I can see it so very clear,
When I wrap that precious little one in my arms and hold them oh so near!
There are no words to describe the barrenness of the womb
Nor the mothering instincts of a woman, just longing to set full bloom.
It’s hard to understand, Lord, why so many years go by
Shedding tears of sorrow as I tried to figure out why.
As I have prayed and searched for answers, I feel Your gentle touch
Guiding me to wisdom…You’ve allowed me to see so much!
How could I be so blind, so blind not to see?
What makes a child so special is YOU, not the genes in me!
Children to You are precious, so precious in Your sight
And though they did not come from Your womb, You love them with all Your might!
Could it be Dear Lord that it’s not beneath my heart that You choose to let our child begin?
But instead You begin their life within our hearts and with it a love that will never end!
Could it be Dear Lord that my womb has remained barren because Your plan is to say,
“I have such a precious gift to give; it’s just going to be given in a different way!”?
If it is Your divine will to bless us Lord in this special way
I lift up to You this precious little one wherever they are today!
Please give them health and keep them safe until that awesome day
When we can hold them in our arms and tell them, “You’re here to stay!”
All of my life - and when I say all, I mean all - I had prayed for 10 children. I knew that as soon as I graduated from highschool that I would get married and we (supposing that God would have the "we" lined up and ready to go) would begin our adventure of popping out those ten precious babies that I had prayed for. I just knew I had a great plan for my life, but God seemed to think He had a better one. First of all, I graduated and there was no "we". I had to wait 5 more years before the Lord unfolded His perfect plan for the mate He had in store for me. Then, little did I know that for the next five and a half years after getting married, that I would deal with the devastation of infertility. This couldn't be happening to me! I mean, what did I do to deserve this? All I wanted my whole life was to be a mother to as many babies as the Lord would allow me to have and I couldn't even have one! I kept screaming at God that it was his first command to "be fruitful and multiply" and I was just trying to obey, but He wouldn't let me! I was living for God, giving my life away in serving Him, and He couldn't even answer the one prayer that I had begged and pleaded for my entire life?
It's hard to describe to someone who has never experienced infertility, but to see a negative sign on a pregnancy test every month for over five years (Yea, I should've bought stock in them.) and to have all your friends having their 2nd, 3rd and 4th child...It's gut wrenching! I spent many a nights curled up in fetal position on the floor crying out to God and questioning if He even knew I existed.
God finally began opening our eyes to think that maybe He had a different plan in mind and He placed a poem on my heart one night that opened my eyes. I'd like to share it with you:
Could It Be?
So long now I have prayed for a precious little one;
To feel Your gift within my womb, and know their life’s begun.
To get the nursery ready, filling it with baby things galore
And of course there’s anticipation of something so much more…
That wonderful, special day, oh I can see it so very clear,
When I wrap that precious little one in my arms and hold them oh so near!
There are no words to describe the barrenness of the womb
Nor the mothering instincts of a woman, just longing to set full bloom.
It’s hard to understand, Lord, why so many years go by
Shedding tears of sorrow as I tried to figure out why.
As I have prayed and searched for answers, I feel Your gentle touch
Guiding me to wisdom…You’ve allowed me to see so much!
How could I be so blind, so blind not to see?
What makes a child so special is YOU, not the genes in me!
Children to You are precious, so precious in Your sight
And though they did not come from Your womb, You love them with all Your might!
Could it be Dear Lord that it’s not beneath my heart that You choose to let our child begin?
But instead You begin their life within our hearts and with it a love that will never end!
Could it be Dear Lord that my womb has remained barren because Your plan is to say,
“I have such a precious gift to give; it’s just going to be given in a different way!”?
If it is Your divine will to bless us Lord in this special way
I lift up to You this precious little one wherever they are today!
Please give them health and keep them safe until that awesome day
When we can hold them in our arms and tell them, “You’re here to stay!”
Derrick and I began the road of adoption. We took foster care/adoption classes through the state of Florida not having any idea where that would lead. As we finished the classes we met a young girl that had come to church for counseling and had just found out she was pregnant. To make a very long story short, she asked us to adopt her baby, we went through her whole pregnancy with her, took her to all of her appointments and ultrasounds, had a huge baby shower for the baby girl that we were going to be blessed with, had given her a name and the birthmother changed her mind an hour before she gave birth. It was like a death to us. Excruciating!
However, two months prior to this baby being born, I went to a Bible study at church. I shared at the end of the study that I needed prayer in dealing with our adoption. There was a young lady there that I had never met, that had asked my group leader if she thought I would talk to her about adoption. Our leader introduced us and she told me that she was 7 months pregnant and was going to have to put her baby up for adoption and she would just like to talk to me. I got her number and told her that I would call her when I got off of work that day. I assumed she already had adoptive parents for her child and that she just wanted to hear my heart on what I was going through so she would know how her adoptive parents were feeling. I got home, called her, and couldn't believe my ears when she said that she got home from the study and had told her mom that she had met her baby's mama at the study. She asked if Derrick and I would pray about adopting her baby too (still thinking we were to adopt the other baby due just a little before hers). My heart lept for joy and I was so excited! Derrick of course was too!
This all brings me to ten years ago today. Derrick and I were given the most precious gift as Eli Zane was born on this day. All my life I had prayed to hold our baby in my arms and I can't even begin to tell you the emotions that run through my mind as I remember holding him for the first time. The gratefulness in my heart for a loving, faithful Savior who knew that He could surpass all my hopes and dreams if I would just be patient and wait on Him; and to a young birthmother who entrusted us with the life of her child so that we could love and nurture him with every fiber of our being and provide for him all that he needed.
"Eli Zane" means "God is great, God is good". He is a true testimony of that in our lives!
Happy Birthday Eli! I love you with all my heart!
However, two months prior to this baby being born, I went to a Bible study at church. I shared at the end of the study that I needed prayer in dealing with our adoption. There was a young lady there that I had never met, that had asked my group leader if she thought I would talk to her about adoption. Our leader introduced us and she told me that she was 7 months pregnant and was going to have to put her baby up for adoption and she would just like to talk to me. I got her number and told her that I would call her when I got off of work that day. I assumed she already had adoptive parents for her child and that she just wanted to hear my heart on what I was going through so she would know how her adoptive parents were feeling. I got home, called her, and couldn't believe my ears when she said that she got home from the study and had told her mom that she had met her baby's mama at the study. She asked if Derrick and I would pray about adopting her baby too (still thinking we were to adopt the other baby due just a little before hers). My heart lept for joy and I was so excited! Derrick of course was too!
This all brings me to ten years ago today. Derrick and I were given the most precious gift as Eli Zane was born on this day. All my life I had prayed to hold our baby in my arms and I can't even begin to tell you the emotions that run through my mind as I remember holding him for the first time. The gratefulness in my heart for a loving, faithful Savior who knew that He could surpass all my hopes and dreams if I would just be patient and wait on Him; and to a young birthmother who entrusted us with the life of her child so that we could love and nurture him with every fiber of our being and provide for him all that he needed.
"Eli Zane" means "God is great, God is good". He is a true testimony of that in our lives!
Happy Birthday Eli! I love you with all my heart!
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