Picture
I'd like to tell you about one of the most important days in my life.  A day that, no matter how long I had believed that there was a God, I knew, that day, there was no doubt.  My faith was rejuvenated in a faithful loving God.  In order to get the whole picture of that very special day, I have to back up a little and share the bigger picture.
All of my life - and when I say all, I mean all - I had prayed for 10 children.  I knew that as soon as I graduated from highschool that I would get married and we (supposing that God would have the "we" lined up and ready to go) would begin our adventure of popping out those ten precious babies that I had prayed for.  I just knew I had a great plan for my life, but God seemed to think He had a better one.  First of all, I graduated and there was no "we".  I had to wait 5 more years before the Lord unfolded His perfect plan for the mate He had in store for me.  Then, little did I know that for the next five and a half years after getting married, that I would deal with the devastation of infertility.  This couldn't be happening to me!  I mean, what did I do to deserve this?  All I wanted my whole life was to be a mother to as many babies as the Lord would allow me to have and I couldn't even have one!  I kept screaming at God that it was his first command to "be fruitful and multiply" and I was just trying to obey, but He wouldn't let me!  I was living for God, giving my life away in serving Him, and He couldn't even answer the one prayer that I had begged and pleaded for my entire life? 
It's hard to describe to someone who has never experienced infertility, but to see a negative sign on a pregnancy test every month for over five years (Yea, I should've bought stock in them.) and to have all your friends having their 2nd, 3rd and 4th child...It's gut wrenching!  I spent many a nights curled up in fetal position on the floor crying out to God and questioning if He even knew I existed.
God finally began opening our eyes to think that maybe He had a different plan in mind and He placed a poem on my heart one night that opened my eyes.  I'd like to share it with you:

                                Could It Be?
So long now I have prayed for a precious little one;
To feel Your gift within my womb, and know their life’s begun.
To get the nursery ready, filling it with baby things galore
And of course there’s anticipation of something so much more…
 That wonderful, special day, oh I can see it so very clear,
When I wrap that precious little one in my arms and hold them oh so near!
There are no words to describe the barrenness of the womb
Nor the mothering instincts of a woman, just longing to set full bloom.
 It’s hard to understand, Lord, why so many years go by
Shedding tears of sorrow as I tried to figure out why.
As I have prayed and searched for answers, I feel Your gentle touch
Guiding me to wisdom…You’ve allowed me to see so much!
 How could I be so blind, so blind not to see?
What makes a child so special is YOU, not the genes in me!
 Children to You are precious, so precious in Your sight
And though they did not come from Your womb, You love them with all Your might!
Could it be Dear Lord that it’s not beneath my heart that You choose to let our child begin?
But instead You begin their life within our hearts and with it a love that will never end!
Could it be Dear Lord that my womb has remained barren because Your plan is to say,
“I have such a precious gift to give; it’s just going to be given in a different way!”?
If it is Your divine will to bless us Lord in this special way
I lift up to You this precious little one wherever they are today!
Please give them health and keep them safe until that awesome day
When we can hold them in our arms and tell them, “You’re here to stay!”
Derrick and I began the road of adoption.  We took foster care/adoption classes through the state of Florida not having any idea where that would lead.  As we finished the classes we met a young girl that had come to church for counseling and had just found out she was pregnant.  To make a very long story short, she asked us to adopt her baby, we went through her whole pregnancy with her, took her to all of her appointments and ultrasounds, had a huge baby shower for the baby girl that we were going to be blessed with, had given her a name and the birthmother changed her mind an hour before she gave birth.  It was like a death to us.  Excruciating!
However, two months prior to this baby being born, I went to a Bible study at church.  I shared at the end of the study that I needed prayer in dealing with our adoption.  There was a young lady there that I had never met, that had asked my group leader if she thought I would talk to her about adoption.  Our leader introduced us and she told me that she was 7 months pregnant and was going to have to put her baby up for adoption and she would just like to talk to me.  I got her number and told her that I would call her when I got off of work that day.  I assumed she already had adoptive parents for her child and that she just wanted to hear my heart on what I was going through so she would know how her adoptive parents were feeling.  I got home, called her, and couldn't believe my ears when she said that she got home from the study and had told her mom that she had met her baby's mama at the study.  She asked if Derrick and I would pray about adopting her baby too (still thinking we were to adopt the other baby due just a little before hers).  My heart lept for joy and I was so excited!  Derrick of course was too!
This all brings me to ten years ago today.  Derrick and I were given the most precious gift as Eli Zane was born on this day.  All my life I had prayed to hold our baby in my arms and I can't even begin to tell you the emotions that run through my mind as I remember holding him for the first time.  The gratefulness in my heart for a loving, faithful Savior who knew that He could surpass all my hopes and dreams if I would just be patient and wait on Him; and to a young birthmother who entrusted us with the life of her child so that we could love and nurture him with every fiber of our being and provide for him all that he needed.
"Eli Zane" means "God is great, God is good".  He is a true testimony of that in our lives!

Happy Birthday Eli!  I love you with all my heart!

2 Comments
 
Why Deny? 02/21/2011
 
Picture
Many people who are dealing with infertility have been referred to my site in hopes to recieve comfort in some sort of way...if anything just to know that they are not alone.  I haven't written on adoption in a while, but I would love to tonight.
For those who are grieving and have a hole in your heart for the child that you so desperately desire to have, please have an open heart as you read this. 
I can't tell you how it breaks my heart to hear so many of my friends say, "But we just want to have a child of our own." Meanwhile, they continue to throw thousands of dollars away into failed invetros and their arms still remain empty, their hearts still continue to ache an undying pain, their bank account is empty causing a strain on their marriage and they just don't know if they can take it anymore.  It breaks my heart because I KNOW the blessing that they are missing out on!  When you adopt, those children ARE your own!  Having both adopted and biological children now, I can honestly say wtihout one ounce of hesitation that there is absolutely no difference in the love I share between the two!!!  As I struggled for 6 years with infertility I just couldn't understand why God was denying me the privilege to be the mother that I had always dreamed of being.  His plans were not going along with mine and I honestly had many wrestling matches with the Lord in trying to get Him to understand that!  Finally the Lord gently said to me, "Marci, I am not denying you the opportunity to be a mother, you are denying a child the opportunity to have a loving family!"  Wow!  I knew at that moment that God's plans were going to far exceed any of my small minded plans!  My eyes well up with tears as I think about my life without my boys that were given to me through a Faithful Father and through two loving birth mothers. 
Adoption is a risk in the way of never knowing if a birth mother will change her mind.  We have faced that gut wrentching experience, but I promise you that when God places the child in your arms that He intends for you, your life will never be the same and any pain that you have gone through in the past will be gone...just like giving birth!
My heart's desire is to walk beside anyone that is experiencing infertility.  It's indescribable the pain that you feel and unless you've been there, you can't understand it.  I will walk with you , my friend, no matter what your decisions or choices may be.  I just want you to pray about not denying a child who needs love to come be a part of your family!  It's incredible!
Add Comment
 
 
Picture
About a year ago, Derrick and I took our oldest two boys out to get ice cream and to tell them about their adoptions.  We had prayed since the day that they were born that God would give us the words to say when that day came, but we were still nervous wrecks.  We brought each of them home from the hospital when they were born and although I had never told them that they had come from my belly, they had no reason to think any differently.  We did not want them to ever question our love.  As we sat in the quaint, downtown ice cream shop, we realized we were the only ones in there so it would be the perfect time to tell them they were adopted.  They were in a silly mood that night, but we proceeeded to talk to them about it.  After we had poured our hearts out, we asked them if they had any questions.  Isaiah, who was almost 6 at the time, said, "Yea!  Isn't this the place that has chocolate lizards?"  Derrick and I looked at each other and laughed.  We had agonized so much over this and that was the only question that was asked.  They, until today, had never said another word about it.  I was having lunch with the boys up at school today and Isaiah had already gone back to his class.  Eli and I were cleaning up and when he came back to the table after throwing stuff away, he asked if he was adopted.  I told him that he was and he said he didn't believe me.  I asked him if he remembered his Daddy and me talking to him a while back about it.  He obviously did not because he said, "Well I came from your belly, so I can't be adopted."  So here we are in the middle of the cafeteria, with Eli's class fixing to leave and I'm trying to explain to him all over again about his adoption. (Derrick was out of town of course so here I am stuck with the tough stuff on my own!)
I immediately called Derrick and my parents when I got in my car so they could be praying for him to be o.k. as he processed that information in class.   His heart is so tender.
Well, just as I expected, as soon as I picked the kids up from school Eli got in the car and said, "Isaiah, you're adopted!" (I had told Eli at lunch that Isaiah was adopted too.)
Isaiah says, "O.k., I have no idea what you mean."  For the next 30 minutes or so we had the best talk about it all.  I don't know if God had just shut their ears to it all when Derrick and I told them all of this before, or if they just weren't really old enough to comprehend and understand, but now they know for sure what precious gifts they are to us. 
Our prayers were answered.  They were both in the best moods after our talk.  Thank You Lord for pulling me through that one!
If you are a "birthmother" out there, thank you for the sacrifice that you made so that your child could be loved, provided for and cherished for all of their days.  If you are considering adoption, it's the most wonderful thing you could do!  I can't imagine my life without my boys!
Today there were no "chocolate lizards" in our discussion, but I sure could eat one right now!  :)

Picture
1 Comment